Monday, March 4, 2013

When the Wolf Comes Howling at the Door....

...that is code that the Lupus is back full force.  Almost four years of remission. Minor symptoms if any and BAM. HURRICANE FORCE WINDS of a SLAM worth of a FLARE.
   Totally broadsided.  It started with the fatigue.  Then the dizziness.  I knew the anemia was back.
Then the pain. So much pain.  Joints, muscles, even my skin.  Nothing helped.  Nothing I'd tried before worked.  So the depression joined in.  The only thing I wanted to do was sleep. And sometimes, the pain wouldn't even let me do that.
  Right now I'm sitting in bed with the laptop on my knees, leaning against pillows piled against the headboard.  My spine feels like it is made of a rusty goose neck lamp spine ...electric, searing, hot pain shoots up and down my spine, and no matter how I shift, it will still be there. My elbows hurt. My neck is throbbing and sending gut wrenching pain into my left temple and behind my left ear. I'd like to throw up. 
  I could take a handful of pills to try to kill the pain, but it has a 45% chance of working. What has a better chance of working is my mind. Putting my mind into a different place. Focusing myself away from the pain and discomfort. Its healthier, safer and I only fall back on the meds when I'm too weary to over think the pain or it overcomes my ability to ignore it.
 I am so very grateful for my years of remission.  I just don't remember things feeling this tough to deal with before though. Maybe its because I'm older. Or maybe its because it really is tougher.
I'm writing this down because 1) a sweet friend asked me to and 2) I want people to know what Lupus feels like. You can't really see it. Or fybromyalsia. (I have both). But they are terrible, debilitating illnesses that take a lot of effort to meet everyday with, and not give into.
  I have Lupus, it does not have matter how much it feels I am in the Jaws of the Wolf, I am in control of my life and what I let it do to me.

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