Tuesday, August 24, 2010

When is Enough,Enough?

     "Have you been loved enough?" That question is posed by the heroine of "The Crowning Glory of Calla Lily Ponder"(by Ya Ya author Rebecca Wells) to her soulmate. It is my favorite line in the book, and got me thinking along the same vein. Have I been loved enough?

     These past two years have been hard. Letting go of a longtime love; knowing it was over and making it done. Learning that, in as much as we were unique in our marriage, we will be unique in our divorce; and be friends. Trying to understand what that means. Building my own boundaries in that relationship and knowing that that is ok. (I am very poor at letting other people down. I don't like to do it. I'll compromise myself before allowing myself its own comfort.)

        So,now I go on. I may find other loves. I may not. But in this time of reflection and restructure, I find myself analyzing (as I always do) this past relationship. It was good for so long before it went bad. And when he loved me, he loved me well. He said "I love you" everyday. And it never got old. He would warm my side of the bed on cold nights. Raised my daughter as his own. Cherished my accomplishments. Shared household duties. Accompanied me to doctors visits.  Always held my hand when we were out. Sadly, the love that burned so very hot, died as fiercely as it lived. And when it was over, it was OVER.

        Have I been loved enough? Can I rightfully say no? When I was cherished and adored for even part of my life, when there are others who never receive that gift?  Perhaps not. But honestly, it is where I land.  I LOVE loving and being loved.  Feeling cherished and adored and cherishing and adoring right back. The sweet, delicious electric ache that rises between you and settles in your hands; leaps through your fingers and flows everywhere you touch one another. The lovely thrill of forehead kisses. The charm of home in someones arms.  The oh so sweet "just need to know you're there" feel of a beloved foot seeking yours under the bedclothes when no other parts of you are touching; and the arch of belonging that flows between that touch when it makes contact.  Have I been loved enough?
Oh, no. And I have not yet loved enough, by far.

Friday, August 6, 2010

STUPID BOY

   So I've been trying to blog for the past several weeks, and just haven't been able to finish a post. Nothing stuck. Nothing finished. I'd get halfway thru something and delete it. I hate this professional and personal limbo I'm in. Ironically, with me, when things in my private life are off kilter, things in my professional life seem to stay that way too. Blurgh.... I have to move myself on. I don't want to go back. But everynow and then I have a friend that I have to catch up with my news and the whole story gets told again. That happened this week. I heard "I can't believe he didn't try to fight harder." Really? Yeah, me either. And I know he loved me once. And once, really well, and I loved him back, desperately. Was
this my one? Will that be it? I mean, I'm not simple. I'm not typical. I can be SO difficult. But I'm not the kind of woman who expects gifts- a sweet,happy life is all the gift I need, I don't get ticked about video games ( i like to play too), I dig it when we both have friends to hang with, I think its great when we have things to do together and seperately. Home should be your refuge from the world. I DO NOT play chic games. But I DO love with my whole self. Evidently, if I feel betrayed, that dies really quick. WTF-ever.  I FOREVER over analyze....

Heard this Keith Urban Song for the first time today.  Again, my life in lyrics...

STUPID BOY
Well she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy...you can't fence that in
Stupid boy...it's like holdin' back the wind
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy
Stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down
Oh...
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy
Oh you always had to be right
And now you've lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice She Hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy
Oh, I'm the same old, same old stupid boy
It took a while for her to figure out she could run but when she did she was long gone, Long gone