emotional hostage

 

a Gulliver held

 by the Lilliputian lines and phrases

of another's desperation;

scrambled affection;

urgent pleas of validation;

token compliments.

 

cast adrift in the sea

of self pity and abasement

in which one is the only life preserver.

unwittingly.

unwillingly.

unprepared.

yet terrified of causing the tsunami of turmoil

that could cause another soul to drown

forever.

 

haunted

by shades of what if and what where

of crystals gone dark

of lives unlived

of time past by

unrelenting limbo

of cries of freedom

of voices unheard

of fear to act or not.

-ejv 2013

 



Say You, Say Me. Say it together, Equally.

   I went red today.
   I didn't think twice about putting the red equal sign as my profile pic,  any more than I thought twice about choosing my NOH8 logo profile pic. 
  I went red today.
  When I saw mentioned that this should be a State to State issue and not determined by the Supreme Court. As if being an American Citizen and Civil Rights were dictated on the State level.
  I went red today.
  I believe that bottom line, every America Citizen has the Civil Right to join/partner for life the one they love and have all the familial, inheritance, fiscal and spousal rights as any other American.
  I went red today.
  When a dear, sweet friend messaged me that he loved me so much because I'd gone red on my Profile Pic. And who got very choked up when I told him my daughter was showing the banner too.
 I went red today.
 I tried to not engage in arguments. I failed a few times. I flushed at ideas I don't agree with, but loved people just the same; as I hope they do me, and scurried on. 
I went red today.
In our land of the free and home of the brave, may we remember all of our citizens. And embrace us all for our differences in the melting pot of equality that made/make this country GREAT. 
Go Red.

Impassioned

Strangers
Meeting for the first time
In person.
Souls
Recognizing one another
Somehow, so familiar.
Drawn
By the chemical flame
Kindled by this recognition
Consumed
By the distracting
Intoxication of this new joy

                 -ejv
 

DEAR RAY DON...

If you are at all a "Designing Women's" fan, you will have seen, and remembered the classic, RAY DON scene where she tears the creep a new one... I have new tears to rent. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7xS54IGEGI


Dear Ray Don:
     As shocking as it may be for you to realize; we brainless, witless, directionless females- who you seem to feel need your direction, guidance, criticism and assistance- manage to EVERYDAY, get ourselves to our jobs, pay our bills, service our autos, raise our children, manage contracts, assist our aging parents, and make other life changing and amazing decisions each and every day without a GLIMMER of your input.
   You like us, Ray Don, for our weaknesses. And you hone in on those in an effort to break us down. You befriend us. You are charming. Kind. Even complimentary and indulgent in your esteem building comments. And then you strike.  Because you want control.
  You, Ray Don, are the problem and not the solution. Bully for the woman who has built herself up enough to meet each and everyday with confidence in spite of the demons her walls keep out. You are a canker, Ray Don, in your sticky sweet infiltration of the walls; in your efforts to dominate and make her let go. And you don't get it Ray Don, in more ways than the vernacular.
  Giving in, to her confidence of control, is the key to her letting go.   Only then will she feel safe, and trust enough to open the the gate, and let down the drawbridge.
  But you won't ever, ever get that Ray Don.   And maybe, that is a very, very good thing.

-JSB, jr.
 

Promised Nothing

  I'm an over thinker. I'm also very candid. And honest. Which leaves me the tendency to often share how I feel, after my over analysis of a certain situation.  As I grow (in age, experience and maturity) I find that though I may over analyze, it is sometimes more prudent and often more effective to simply remain silent upon my conclusions and let the outcome simply run its course. No manipulation of logic, philosophy or emotion. Just as it will.
  I am trying very hard to do that right now regarding a situation very close to my heart. My heart shouldn't really be involved. It isn't logical. It isn't zen. It isn't fair to the flow of the impact to anyone who crosses the path to manipulate the "as it will" if you will, with anything but peaceful allowance, short of self preservation. Yet the urge for selfish gain, the urge for demand of now and knowledge of later is sometimes so overwhelming it causes me to want to 1) go against my nature of give and not take; to demand for myself or 2) to just bail totally and toss any glimmer of hope.  And I am a hopeful being.  I will not bail. I must continue to breathe, and without this hopeful situation, breath is not possible.  Even so that kind of unabashed vulnerability leaves me scathed.  I am by experience, distrustful. I am by survival, leery and disdainful of vulnerability in myself and others. My walls do not come down easily.  But in this case my Jericho has met its Joshua. Pray heaven, I may not fall undone.

Karma(l) apples and oranges

There are things I do in life in which I seriously consider my karmic investment before embarking upon them. And there are other things in life in which I consider my personal investment more dear over my karmic investment, and so, with a fuck karma attitude, I simply dive in, and damn the consequences.   The lesson: I'm still here, people still love me, have not shunned me and I'm not incarcerated, homeless or quarantined. So...so far, so good.

Disposed

Drawn to the magnetic pull of need
Of the delicious syrup of another's want
She sheds her misgivings
She lays aside her trepidations
Succombs. Becomes.
Deep inside there are voices.
The voice of lust.
The voice of arrogance.
The voice of self deprecation.
All guiding. All lighting the dark.
When doubt rises
Pride thwarts the queary.
When love begins its pull,
Charm convinces it to lie fallow.
Pearls of truth cast, sublime.
She continues.
Intrepid in her 'good deeds' wake.
Wonders at the future
The crystal lies dark
She was promised nothing.
                                  -EJV 2012

Life Lessons

   Life has a funny way of showing you truth. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and sometimes it knocks you down and obliterates everything else around you, so that you are left with nothing else but you and that truth, staring you down, blowing the dust out of the corners, sucking the air from your lungs.
  Sometimes, someone you have cared about for a long time, but who left you for greener pastures elsewhere,maybe repeatedly, will return. They will come back broken, sad, used up and needy. You may be at a time of your life when their open adoration and worship is welcome. Or you may not. You may be at a time of your life when it all feels a great deal too late. Too clingy. Too much too over the top. You don't need them anymore, or most certainly not like they seem to need you now. And they will begin to repulse you. They have burned up their welcome by the ever continuous yo-yo of use and toss. We are not disposable creatures and we do not come with toss and grab hearts. Sometimes, even though it hurts, like pulling out a really deep splinter, you have to remove them, bandage the wound, and let the scar heal for good. Never to pick at it again.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM
 Sometimes you come across someone you love. Always have loved. Won't ever NOT love. Still love. Lust even. And you can't have them. Not in whole. Well, maybe not really at all. You're friends. You stay friends and adore each other. And that is all it is. Maybe you aren't happy in the life that you choose. Maybe they aren't. But for whatever reason, they are choosing to continue down that path. You have to respect that. You don't want to. You want to do whatever you can to sabotage the situation and gain what you want. You might sit up at night and think up diabolical plans to win your spoils. Then your ache, the need, becomes just a little bit eased with the lust of greed. That is when the love becomes contaminated with selfishness. And slowly the hint of guilt burns itself up your gullet to your heart to remind you of its presence. To remind you of the original GIFT. Love. So you have a choice. You may be the destroyer and risk it all and in the end perhaps gain what you crave...or you may be the guardian, and wait, and watch and love. And in the end, perhaps, gain only peace. But know in the end you did it for love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWxAO-3EWow&feature=related
 Sometimes, we are needed. Not as a whole, but in part. An ear; a shoulder; a casual distraction- and we give in- hoping to be needed in whole. Use me. However you need. I'll be fine. (LIER)We are promised nothing. Or often we *ARE* promised, nothing. Promised that nothing will happen, grow, become. Yet we still persevere. Doormat ourselves. Indenture ourselves as if to prove to the recipient that we are so much more, that refusal is futile. How can you turn down this love, devotion, wit, mind, amazing being? How can they indeed. But they do and they will, because they told you so. They told you at the start. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSflDD9BSRM&feature=related
 Sometimes our whole soul gets dried out and brittle and over used and simply crumbles to dust. Undone. Over done. Broken. Used. When life pours out on us. Drenching us in the dusty, drying truth. Sometimes we need to recede from everything and everyone else and simply be...alone. We sometimes need to be our own best loves, best support, best adorers. For whom else but ourselves can we simply trust the best. Trust to refresh our poor, dusty selves into the sweet, supple selves life can use up once again.                              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haQTlhWpeHs&feature=related

homeless

     when we touch it is electric. achingly magnetic. soul to soul. breathe in,breathe out-now banished.
     i am a casual distraction. or at least that is the lie. i can't breathe without him. i draw in short,shallow gasps of air. short,shallow gasps of existence. dull,unsatisfying. my entire being feels dull,unsatisfying--as if it were waiting for his touch to charge it. his touch to electrify the current. his touch to restart my heart. blow the dust out of the corners. wake up trust.
     he has his own demons. some real. some conjured. i must wait. wait for the light to burn through the darkness he draws himself into when the demons get too loud. he use to reach for me. but it scared us both. i have too much to lose and he has too much to gain and the insanity of the issues just overwhelmed us both.
    so we are at arms length. and it is slowly killing me. i miss his smile. i miss his touch. i ache for his touch. my heart misses its home. broken hearted at arms length from my soul. i could die this way....

#legacy

      #ificouldiwouldbringback is a trending topic today on Twitter. It made me think of Betty Lee. My grandmother. Whom I miss Terribly. I would most certainly bring her back if I could. I really miss Mama.
      Betty Lee has shaped me in more ways than any other person in my life. I am more like her than I am like anyone else in the family(and that is in regards to virtues and vices). I have her sharp wit; sharp tongue; temper; harsh,bitter, unforgiveness (which I try desperately to quell). But I also have her very generous, loving, nurturing heart; her cooking talent; sewing,crocheting(any textile crafts) skills; her crass sense of humor; her strength. Many of these things that grew after she died. Odd that the gifts revealed themselves as her legacy, as I grew into them. Self taught, self mastered, with Mama's sweet spirit at my shoulder, guiding me.
     Mama could be very critical. And sometimes that alienated people (even me at times) from her. I see that in myself. I have little tolerance for "perceived" idiots (stupid people) or bad service. I work VERY hard at controlling my first impulse to "cut loose" on these folks wasting my time or impacting my day- and try to remember I'm impacting their day as well.
    Mama could also be very generous, loving and was genuinely interested in being useful in the lives of those she loved. I am grateful to own this as well. Having a loving, giving spirit. Enjoying the act of giving better than receiving is a sweet joy and I learned it from the best teacher.  Mama could make the simplest of gestures seem like the most wonderful luxury. The memory of one of those very things is my fondest and most missed treasures of Mama.
   Me, feeling defeated, or sad or just tired; sitting on the floor by Mama's chair, my head against her knee, and feeling her stroke my head and gently run her perfectly kept nails through my hair. Slowly, drowsily, ever so gently. Just feeling her love and peace and unconditional acceptance slowly anoint my hurts, healing.
   Thank you Mama. Thank you for letting me know I was loved. For your gifts. For you. For the legacy of Betty Lee.
   

ToWit Tonuttin'honey

  writing. Why does most of my best "writing" happen when I'm not actually "writing"? To wit: in the shower, in the car, at work during the middle of a time sensitive project, while sleeping....,. So basically, right now I have a lot of notes. Some physically written down, or typed or cryptically "memoed" on a sticky; others tucked back into my subconscious, hoping to return to the forefront again, at a more opportune and less wet/traffic filled/ currently owned by the man -time.
 If I could get all of these notes down, I'd really be 1/2 way thru this book. And probably a third of the way thru on of the musicals. Hmmmm Procrastination, thou art my Muse. And I would like to exorcise you to the nth degree...
 You see it is almost March and this is only my second blog entry of the year. Not that I haven't had TONS to say. I just haven't said it. I am seriously lacking   Motivation.
 My ex-husband wanted to be a writer (I say wanted- because he still has yet to attempt it). I suggested he get a mini tape recorder and keep it with him for notes when "writing" came upon him and "writing" wasn't  possible. Maybe I should take a little of my own advice.

Auld Langs Mine

  Moving. Into a house with my daughter and beagle. After having lived with my parents with my daughter for the past year following a separation and divorce. He has had the beagle; and most of my things over the past year.  The clone and I moved only essentials...clothes, jewelry, books, Yarn...
  It is so very odd how being separated from the physical presence of THINGS for such a long time can seriously cut the cord to them. I feel very complacent regarding even the most precious heirloom. I've never been overly materialistic. I collect things. Fabric, yarn, dog motif pillows, antique linens, angels, books.  But I don't shop like crazy and I don't have to have the newest of everything everyday.  That said, it still feels very, very weird to feel so very disconnected to things I have truly loved to be around and have around me.
   So, as I move my old things into this new chapter of me, we shall see where it leads.  Simplicity its a good thing. Saves green...may types.

Happy NEW Me...

Don't make me come back there!!!

      When did manners go out of style? When did 'style' ever dictate manners? This is a sad turn of society when people do not have the aplomb to carry themselves with the grace of common courtesy and decency.
       Seriously. I understand we are part of a casual culture. But there are still times in this world that dressing in your best or better clothes, speaking in proper English, and using basic manners are necessary. Here's just a few of my biggest peeves:
1.) Looking for a job: My mother would have skinned me ALIVE if she had seen me applying for a job (and it didn't matter where to or for what - poop scooper or CFO) dressed (or not dressed) in the way people present themselves today. Untucked shirts. Jeans. SHORTS and FLIP FLOPS. Seriously? Put on a tie, pull your pants up to your waist with a belt. Girls, no boobs, butts or bellies and wear panty hose. Hell, wear panties.
2.) Yea, uh huh, yep. Please drop these words from your vocabulary when you are addressing anyone of whom you owe respect; would like to receive a salary from; assistance from; a judgement in your favor; a gift, instruction or who has lived longer than you. Use: Yes Sir, No Sir, Yes Ma'am and No Ma'am. Practice. These words also apply when you are on the Service end of Customer Service. Again Practice. This is NOT just a Southern thing, it is a MANNERS thing. AS in POLITE.
3.) I don't really give a warthogs hind end where you came from, who your daddy was or wasn't or what your mama made you do when you were small. I am not the cause of those things and do not deserve the effect. What I do care about is where you are now and how you plan to impact my day with your attitude. Adjust accordingly.
4.) If and when you are EVER required to present yourself in a Court of LAW; at a Job Interview; at an Interview for ANYTHING (prep school, college, grad school, for an apartment, whatever); To Attend a SOCIAL EVENT (as in a wedding; a funeral; a baby shower, wedding shower;)Opera, Theatre, please dress appropriately. If you would put it on specifically to wear to WAL-MART, do not wear it to the above mentioned functions. If you could be mistaken as a gardener, a sleep walker, a sports fan, a kardashian or a pimp you are not dressed appropriately for the above mentioned functions.  Wrinkles may add character to a face, but they do not add character to your clothes. Adjust accordingly.
5.) We have all had bad things happen in our lives. Granted. But each of us has to make a living, pay our bills,keep going and stop bitching. So do that. Do not victimize the entire world or hold your office hostage with your bad attitude because someone isn't nice to you or didn't say hello to you this morning. Put on your bigkid underroos and get on with it. In the real world you don't get a trophy for showing up; and mommy doesn't clean up what you don't finish. You get a paycheck and get to keep your job if you do it. If you don't - buhbye!!!
6.) Say Thank You, when someone has condescended to shop in your store and bothered to purchase something. They didn't have to. They are not an interruption to your day. They just help provide you with a little job security. Show your appreciation.
         I'm sure there are more, but that's all I can come up with right now. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Maybe we need ADULT COTILLION Classes... hmmmm...

When is Enough,Enough?

     "Have you been loved enough?" That question is posed by the heroine of "The Crowning Glory of Calla Lily Ponder"(by Ya Ya author Rebecca Wells) to her soulmate. It is my favorite line in the book, and got me thinking along the same vein. Have I been loved enough?

     These past two years have been hard. Letting go of a longtime love; knowing it was over and making it done. Learning that, in as much as we were unique in our marriage, we will be unique in our divorce; and be friends. Trying to understand what that means. Building my own boundaries in that relationship and knowing that that is ok. (I am very poor at letting other people down. I don't like to do it. I'll compromise myself before allowing myself its own comfort.)

        So,now I go on. I may find other loves. I may not. But in this time of reflection and restructure, I find myself analyzing (as I always do) this past relationship. It was good for so long before it went bad. And when he loved me, he loved me well. He said "I love you" everyday. And it never got old. He would warm my side of the bed on cold nights. Raised my daughter as his own. Cherished my accomplishments. Shared household duties. Accompanied me to doctors visits.  Always held my hand when we were out. Sadly, the love that burned so very hot, died as fiercely as it lived. And when it was over, it was OVER.

        Have I been loved enough? Can I rightfully say no? When I was cherished and adored for even part of my life, when there are others who never receive that gift?  Perhaps not. But honestly, it is where I land.  I LOVE loving and being loved.  Feeling cherished and adored and cherishing and adoring right back. The sweet, delicious electric ache that rises between you and settles in your hands; leaps through your fingers and flows everywhere you touch one another. The lovely thrill of forehead kisses. The charm of home in someones arms.  The oh so sweet "just need to know you're there" feel of a beloved foot seeking yours under the bedclothes when no other parts of you are touching; and the arch of belonging that flows between that touch when it makes contact.  Have I been loved enough?
Oh, no. And I have not yet loved enough, by far.

STUPID BOY

   So I've been trying to blog for the past several weeks, and just haven't been able to finish a post. Nothing stuck. Nothing finished. I'd get halfway thru something and delete it. I hate this professional and personal limbo I'm in. Ironically, with me, when things in my private life are off kilter, things in my professional life seem to stay that way too. Blurgh.... I have to move myself on. I don't want to go back. But everynow and then I have a friend that I have to catch up with my news and the whole story gets told again. That happened this week. I heard "I can't believe he didn't try to fight harder." Really? Yeah, me either. And I know he loved me once. And once, really well, and I loved him back, desperately. Was
this my one? Will that be it? I mean, I'm not simple. I'm not typical. I can be SO difficult. But I'm not the kind of woman who expects gifts- a sweet,happy life is all the gift I need, I don't get ticked about video games ( i like to play too), I dig it when we both have friends to hang with, I think its great when we have things to do together and seperately. Home should be your refuge from the world. I DO NOT play chic games. But I DO love with my whole self. Evidently, if I feel betrayed, that dies really quick. WTF-ever.  I FOREVER over analyze....

Heard this Keith Urban Song for the first time today.  Again, my life in lyrics...

STUPID BOY
Well she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy...you can't fence that in
Stupid boy...it's like holdin' back the wind
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy
Stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down
Oh...
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy
Oh you always had to be right
And now you've lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice She Hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy
Oh, I'm the same old, same old stupid boy
It took a while for her to figure out she could run but when she did she was long gone, Long gone

The rest of the story...

  Wesley left for one last run & to hand the keys to "The Revenge" off to Inigo.They were having so much fun, they figured they didn't need to rush it. Buttercup ended up working as an assistant in the castle library (to pass time) for Vincini (who wasn't really dead- just in a drug induced coma for a bit from the Iocane Powder). Buttercup is really tired of working for the little twerp & everyday begins the drudgery with, "My Wesley will save me".
The albino just laughs as he shelves books from the wheelbarrow.

New Year, New Me

Ok, so its a new year, new focus on the blog.  Yeah, I know its almost the end of the second month of the new year, but hey, what can I say- busy, distracted, otherwise obligated. But I'm here now.

Lots of changes in my life:
Pending divorce, currently living with the rents, searching for better paying work, child in last year and 1/2 of highschool, searching for colleges, etc, etc, etc.

Anyone know how to fix a lottery ticket?