Tin Roof Rusty

  Its been a LONG time since I've blogged...
    so like the title implies ... I'm a bit rusty.
But I need to pull the pen out and journal, so to speak.
So here I am.
Lots of things are happening in my world.
New job. Buying a home. New people in my life.
Good changes.
Change is good.
I'm happy and finding my niche in where I am.
But my gypsy side is itching for the apple cart to topple.
It always does.
this year , this next year is and will be devoted to learning new things
and accomplishing /completing unfinished projects.
Number one on the list: my novel
and publishing my poetry.
Then maybe all those myriad of half finished crochet projects. HA.
I'm going to re-learn French.
Explore something I've always been interested in (but that is just for me).
Get my passport.
And start the herb garden of my dreams.
OH... and blog everyday.
    See y'all tomorrow.

anew

anew

breathe upon me--

your obsessive creature;

your dutiful servant--

forever at your feet.

even as you may rip my heart to bits

i still sit at your feet,

 puzzling over the pieces::

to recreate the gift; 

to present the heart to you 

anew.

ejv2013

 

emotional hostage

 

a Gulliver held

 by the Lilliputian lines and phrases

of another's desperation;

scrambled affection;

urgent pleas of validation;

token compliments.

 

cast adrift in the sea

of self pity and abasement

in which one is the only life preserver.

unwittingly.

unwillingly.

unprepared.

yet terrified of causing the tsunami of turmoil

that could cause another soul to drown

forever.

 

haunted

by shades of what if and what where

of crystals gone dark

of lives unlived

of time past by

unrelenting limbo

of cries of freedom

of voices unheard

of fear to act or not.

-ejv 2013

 



Say You, Say Me. Say it together, Equally.

   I went red today.
   I didn't think twice about putting the red equal sign as my profile pic,  any more than I thought twice about choosing my NOH8 logo profile pic. 
  I went red today.
  When I saw mentioned that this should be a State to State issue and not determined by the Supreme Court. As if being an American Citizen and Civil Rights were dictated on the State level.
  I went red today.
  I believe that bottom line, every America Citizen has the Civil Right to join/partner for life the one they love and have all the familial, inheritance, fiscal and spousal rights as any other American.
  I went red today.
  When a dear, sweet friend messaged me that he loved me so much because I'd gone red on my Profile Pic. And who got very choked up when I told him my daughter was showing the banner too.
 I went red today.
 I tried to not engage in arguments. I failed a few times. I flushed at ideas I don't agree with, but loved people just the same; as I hope they do me, and scurried on. 
I went red today.
In our land of the free and home of the brave, may we remember all of our citizens. And embrace us all for our differences in the melting pot of equality that made/make this country GREAT. 
Go Red.

The Forest, the Trees, the entire state, planted on a Quagmire

   Today the Arkansas Congressional Elect overturned the Governor's Veto of their poorly thought (if thought beyond control of women even entered into it) out 12 week abortion ban bill. Arkansas now has the strictest abortion laws in the country. Why wasn't legislation such as this brought to the people? This is beyond dictatorial. It is elitist bureaucracy that is single minded.  It is a BULLY  BILL. And it will do nothing that its High Moralistic Title will lead you to believe.
 1) It won't stop abortions. It will simply stop the protection of the the "medical procedure" that they were covered under prior to this law and slide them into back ally, underground "shops".
2) What are the penalties?  Do you throw a woman in jail for terminating a pregnancy? Or do you fine her? What exactly ARE the penalties?
3)  These legislatures that seem so very intent on protecting a fetus, magically forget the rights of the fetus once it becomes a PERSON.  Case in point...This Bill. 
     - the fact that you can receive a longer sentence in jail for harming a DOG than raping a 4MONTH (yes 4 MONTH) Old child. 10 years for the former, 4 years for the latter with no extenuating responsibility for the internal harm done to the child.
    - the fact that our Foster care system discards a person at the age of 18, as if 18 is a magical number and the Arkansas Educational system is so very intense and complete as to provide that person with the skills, back ground and resources to go forward supportless there on.
   - the Arkansas Juvenile Detention Center, where children are abused, neglected and turn out worse than they went in (or dead).
4) In order to stop the "need" for abortion, then education is key. Teach people about why being sexually responsible is important. Why abortion isn't birth control. Why respecting each other is valuable. Why abstinence may very well be the best choice.  But if you choose not to abstain, these are your risks. These are the consequences.  Do not take these lightly.  Seriously it may take time, but truly education and a moral / ethical/ oh-sex with the wrong person could kill me or at the wrong time could give me a baby I'm not ready for mindset to where people THINK first rather than live for the moment is the answer, Not horrific legislation that sends us back to the dark ages, giving other people control over another person's body and then totally disregarding the product of that legislation once it leaves the body they fought to keep it inside of.

When the Wolf Comes Howling at the Door....

...that is code that the Lupus is back full force.  Almost four years of remission. Minor symptoms if any and BAM. HURRICANE FORCE WINDS of a SLAM worth of a FLARE.
   Totally broadsided.  It started with the fatigue.  Then the dizziness.  I knew the anemia was back.
Then the pain. So much pain.  Joints, muscles, even my skin.  Nothing helped.  Nothing I'd tried before worked.  So the depression joined in.  The only thing I wanted to do was sleep. And sometimes, the pain wouldn't even let me do that.
  Right now I'm sitting in bed with the laptop on my knees, leaning against pillows piled against the headboard.  My spine feels like it is made of a rusty goose neck lamp spine ...electric, searing, hot pain shoots up and down my spine, and no matter how I shift, it will still be there. My elbows hurt. My neck is throbbing and sending gut wrenching pain into my left temple and behind my left ear. I'd like to throw up. 
  I could take a handful of pills to try to kill the pain, but it has a 45% chance of working. What has a better chance of working is my mind. Putting my mind into a different place. Focusing myself away from the pain and discomfort. Its healthier, safer and I only fall back on the meds when I'm too weary to over think the pain or it overcomes my ability to ignore it.
 I am so very grateful for my years of remission.  I just don't remember things feeling this tough to deal with before though. Maybe its because I'm older. Or maybe its because it really is tougher.
I'm writing this down because 1) a sweet friend asked me to and 2) I want people to know what Lupus feels like. You can't really see it. Or fybromyalsia. (I have both). But they are terrible, debilitating illnesses that take a lot of effort to meet everyday with, and not give into.
  I have Lupus, it does not have me....no matter how much it feels I am in the Jaws of the Wolf, I am in control of my life and what I let it do to me.

Its all relative.

So, ya meet someone "famous" who you didn't know was "famous" so knowing them is just knowing them for them and the "fame" is like secondary or just whatever. Cause they aren't douchey about it or shitheaded.
So you meet someone you didn't know so knowing them is just knowing them for them. TADAH.
Perfect.
Yep. Perfect.

Impassioned

Strangers
Meeting for the first time
In person.
Souls
Recognizing one another
Somehow, so familiar.
Drawn
By the chemical flame
Kindled by this recognition
Consumed
By the distracting
Intoxication of this new joy

                 -ejv
 

TOTALLY SURROUNDED

so today at work.....
   We had to explain to a grown woman that her dog (she found ), which is a female, would menstruate when in heat and what that would entail. She (the woman- not the dog) went into spasmodic fits , "OH, OH NO, Y'all are kidding me! Are y'all kidding me?" No, your dog is a mammal. Mammals have menses. They have to ovulate (and that will be when she is in heat).."They OVULATE? She does that too?" Yes..she is a mammal. The egg and the sperm work the same way in all mammals. "OMG! Are you serious! I didn't know any of this what are you trying to tell me?" 
  < big sigh >    When a man and a woman love each other.....

How to Raise a Sith in Ten Easy Steps....

  Having been asked a number of times by kids and adults alike, how my daughter and I have such a great relationship, I have decided to write down my top ten parenting tips:

10. Respect: Treat them and their friends with respect. It TEACHES a lot and returns TONS.  I always treat/ treated her friends as My guests when they were at my home or out with us, and never like some space intruding imposition.

9.  Learn to say "I'm wrong", "I'm sorry"and "I shouldn't have done that."  by you saying and admitting when you "LOSE IT", you give your child the empowerment to admit when they fall short. 

8.  Always answer their questions. "Go look it up" isn't a good answer.  "Lets go look it up" is, if you don't know.  If they are old enough to ask, they are old enough for an answer on their level.  Never tell a child that they aren't old enough to know "that" or that they wouldn't "understand". You are belittling them and undermining learning.   i.e. Your 3yr old asks how a light bulb works.  You aren't going to give her an Electrical Engineer's definition of electrical transference.   "There are some wires inside the bulb, and when the electricity runs through them (when you turn on the light switch) they glow".  Easy Peasy

7. NEVER EVER EVER EVER purposely humiliate or embarrass your child in public.  Now if they are out of line and treating you like a piece of crap (in public or wherever), make that stop. But name calling, making little boys wear dresses as a punishment, or other socially damning tactics are not acceptable.  Being punished, losing privileges, things, etc. are sometimes necessary, but humiliation never is.

6.  Remember that in as much as it is important to be Consistent in Parenting, it is important to be flexible.  They don't come with manuals.  Thank goodness. So when you have been driving the wrong way for the past 5 years and you get an epiphany, you can totally change course.

5.  Give them responsibility.  Ownership is the key to success, good grades and productivity.  When you stop punishing them for disappointing you (this is their perspective) and start allowing them to have ownership of the responsibility, they will work harder because 1) truly disappointing you is worse than any punishment and 2) it becomes all about them and they work harder.

4.  Always be available, but always let them "try it" without mommy wheels, too.  Always be open to whatever they need to talk to you about.  No matter how embarrassing or trivial.  It is somehow important to them.  Good communication keeps you in the loop when you really need to be or when they really need you and might otherwise be too afraid or ostracized to speak to you.

3. Listen to them.  Being the mom who listens to their incessant 3yr old ramble, turns you into the mom who hears 1) ALL  the drama, when they are older and 2) the contents of their heart and soul as they grow.  You will be their primary counselor.  It is a blessing to be the one they trust to confide in.

2.  Laugh.  Laughter and games and enjoying time together is priceless. 

1. Love.  Love is the primary key.   Love your babies. They will always be your babies, no matter how old they get.   And everyone can use a big ole Mama hug, every once in a while.

DEAR RAY DON...

If you are at all a "Designing Women's" fan, you will have seen, and remembered the classic, RAY DON scene where she tears the creep a new one... I have new tears to rent. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7xS54IGEGI


Dear Ray Don:
     As shocking as it may be for you to realize; we brainless, witless, directionless females- who you seem to feel need your direction, guidance, criticism and assistance- manage to EVERYDAY, get ourselves to our jobs, pay our bills, service our autos, raise our children, manage contracts, assist our aging parents, and make other life changing and amazing decisions each and every day without a GLIMMER of your input.
   You like us, Ray Don, for our weaknesses. And you hone in on those in an effort to break us down. You befriend us. You are charming. Kind. Even complimentary and indulgent in your esteem building comments. And then you strike.  Because you want control.
  You, Ray Don, are the problem and not the solution. Bully for the woman who has built herself up enough to meet each and everyday with confidence in spite of the demons her walls keep out. You are a canker, Ray Don, in your sticky sweet infiltration of the walls; in your efforts to dominate and make her let go. And you don't get it Ray Don, in more ways than the vernacular.
  Giving in, to her confidence of control, is the key to her letting go.   Only then will she feel safe, and trust enough to open the the gate, and let down the drawbridge.
  But you won't ever, ever get that Ray Don.   And maybe, that is a very, very good thing.

-JSB, jr.
 

Promised Nothing

  I'm an over thinker. I'm also very candid. And honest. Which leaves me the tendency to often share how I feel, after my over analysis of a certain situation.  As I grow (in age, experience and maturity) I find that though I may over analyze, it is sometimes more prudent and often more effective to simply remain silent upon my conclusions and let the outcome simply run its course. No manipulation of logic, philosophy or emotion. Just as it will.
  I am trying very hard to do that right now regarding a situation very close to my heart. My heart shouldn't really be involved. It isn't logical. It isn't zen. It isn't fair to the flow of the impact to anyone who crosses the path to manipulate the "as it will" if you will, with anything but peaceful allowance, short of self preservation. Yet the urge for selfish gain, the urge for demand of now and knowledge of later is sometimes so overwhelming it causes me to want to 1) go against my nature of give and not take; to demand for myself or 2) to just bail totally and toss any glimmer of hope.  And I am a hopeful being.  I will not bail. I must continue to breathe, and without this hopeful situation, breath is not possible.  Even so that kind of unabashed vulnerability leaves me scathed.  I am by experience, distrustful. I am by survival, leery and disdainful of vulnerability in myself and others. My walls do not come down easily.  But in this case my Jericho has met its Joshua. Pray heaven, I may not fall undone.

Karma(l) apples and oranges

There are things I do in life in which I seriously consider my karmic investment before embarking upon them. And there are other things in life in which I consider my personal investment more dear over my karmic investment, and so, with a fuck karma attitude, I simply dive in, and damn the consequences.   The lesson: I'm still here, people still love me, have not shunned me and I'm not incarcerated, homeless or quarantined. So...so far, so good.

Disposed

Drawn to the magnetic pull of need
Of the delicious syrup of another's want
She sheds her misgivings
She lays aside her trepidations
Succombs. Becomes.
Deep inside there are voices.
The voice of lust.
The voice of arrogance.
The voice of self deprecation.
All guiding. All lighting the dark.
When doubt rises
Pride thwarts the queary.
When love begins its pull,
Charm convinces it to lie fallow.
Pearls of truth cast, sublime.
She continues.
Intrepid in her 'good deeds' wake.
Wonders at the future
The crystal lies dark
She was promised nothing.
                                  -EJV 2012

Just one Poison Apple short ...

   Once upon a time... I believed in the happily ever after, once upon a time, knight in shining armour kind of fairytale romance. And that's what I thought I wanted. That's who I thought I was. The damsel in distress, waiting to be rescued by the knight on his white charger, slaying foes, dragons, and any other bad guys along the way. I'd sort of placed myself in a kind of tower. Having escaped the clutches of a madman, I indeed felt like the damsel in distress. I've always been a dreamer. So when the knight showed up (actually driving a silver Chevy cavalier , kind of ironic...cavalier is a sort of knight...) anyway... I fell, hook line and long blond hair, right from my ivory tower to his feet.
 Eventually the fairy dust wears off. And things aren't always what they seem. I found that I'm not really a damsel in distress, but rather just a damsel...distressed. And I fight my own battles just fine. And I'm beginning to like it that way.
  Faced with the future, sans KISA, I am learning what I want, need, believe. I do not want a KISA. I don't believe in the fairytale. I believe in, well, me. I'm finally learning to trust myself. Trust what I want, what I've always wanted. Trust myself enough to be candid, genuine and open. Enough to take a few steps out that are scary as hell, but true to me. Honest and pure.Trust others. That is huge for me. But also know how to keep my eyes open.  The path may end or turn completely around, but I tread it with my whole heart. And I'm learning that open honesty and trust is something I may have thought I had before, but I never had it like I do now. I was so very repressed before. Hiding parts of myself  because they were disapproved of or unliked. Now I'm a take it or leave me kind of girl. I like me. and those parts of me that might be annoying to others, I KNOW are annoying to me, so I am sure to be way ahead of ya' in working on a fix.
But back to the Once Upon a Time...fairy tales are the exception, not the rule...well, maybe I am my own fairy tale, I've always been counter to the rules.

Em-anesence

the past four years ...via Evanescence...

The Divorce: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdhqVtpR2ts&feature=relmfu

The Bad Idea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RrA-R5VHQs&NR=1

The Bad Penny:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJGpsL_XYQI&NR=1

The Old Crush:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YxaaGgTQYM&NR=1

The Impossible Dream: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw2Ic_2XdVQ&ob=av2e

Mine

He told me I was beautiful...
 Again.
I never tire of hearing him say it.
I smiled a shy smile,
 and fidgeted...
Looked at my hands....
And was mute.
Again.
To Everyone else I am
 STRONG, SELF-CONFIDENT,
INDEPENDENT, OUTGOING...
 SELF-ASSURED...
 But with his Praise,
 That Wild Angel  recedes into
this shy,fragile girl..
Again.
Then he touches me.
Such sweet reverence.
And I wish to dissolve
Into the appendage that joins us...
Again,
Again,
  and Never again to know
Where he begins or I end.
But to be one
  heart, mind and soul....

This is my heaven.

-Mine, by EJV

Distracted

...I take a deep breath and it does nothing but settle me further into my contemplation of him;

Indelible Ink

  I was going thru some boxes of papers yesterday, and got physically ill. Its my own fault. But I was really surprised at my reaction. There were cards and love letters from my ex husband (from when we were dating and married) in them. I started reading them,then I started crying and then I threw up. It made me remember how great everything had been once upon a time, and how disgusted I became with how bad it got and how confused I was with how it wasn't fixable. It still leaves me in a state of shock sometimes.
   We are still friendly. He is a good dad to my daughter. Of that I am grateful.  And if I need help with something, I can depend on him to be there.  That said, we can still only take small doses of each other, when our personalities are at high dudgeon. And we have learned the art of shut up and find a reason to walk away.

I just discarded a LOT of other "input". I guess I just don't wanna talk about it. I'm done analyzing. The basic truth of the matter is I came across something that reminded me of something I once loved that is dead now.  And that is life. Now on to live the rest of mine.

**The final question though is will I discard the tangible evidence of the memories, or keep them around. I don't know the answer to that yet.**

Epiphany Rising

   Well. Hello Life and Thank You for the REVELATION and basic EFF-You that you have given me, all rolled up into one. It's so stunning and mind blowing it is flat out funny. IRONY, eat me.
   I have found him. The man. The DREAM GUY. The one who fulfills all of the requirements even my 15yr old self had wished for. Not Available.
   Regardless... all I keep thinking is "THIS is out there. The Dream Guy!And I stopped looking when I found LESS?STUPID!"